I’m not really much of one for balance; I tend toward obsessions. I wouldn’t say I either love something or loathe it. But I am more than happy to put my blinders on and ignore a great many things as long as they need not have an impact on my life.

Unfortunately, there’s a lot we cannot ignore at present. Ignoring problems may be the real legacy of this nation, but I suppose to some extent it is human nature after all and not just American exceptionalism. But there’s a lot of that. As I watch airports close because the tangerine tyrant cannot abide having competent people around him while he foments war and supports genocide and bombing folks just trying to fish in the waters they’ve fished in for generations, I try to balance my fury with hope, a little humour and a lot of surrealism.

It’s how we make magic.

I feel as if I am finally beginning to find my balance again — maybe? Two years ago the college shut down, I lost my job, and my office storage (*glares at boxes*), and my career that I never expected or planned for. Honestly, the overwhelming feeling after years of fighting and arguing with the flailing administration was relief. Not having to psych myself up to teach. Not having to prepare each syllabus with all the tedious administrative requirements. No meetings! No small talk. No plagiarism to deal with (or pervasive AI).

Also, it must be admitted, no salary, no health care, no travel money. Practical problems, but the more elusive problems have been unexpectedly so what am I if I’m not an academic anymore? Well, I still am. I like researching and writing about things that interest me. And not needing to build up my CV or impress colleagues (who, let’s face it, were never interested or impressed by what I did, LOL), I can dive into whatever weird subject draws my attention. And I do.

But my inner calendar is attuned to the academic year. Autumn is still a time of beginnings. I’m still unconsciously planning things around the semesters. Of course Robert still works at a college that is very much alive (knock wood), so there’s still that ambience in the house. I had an invite to an opportunity and initially I said oh, but I don’t usually get back to the UK until — and then realised there was no reason I couldn’t adjust my travel plans.

This is the time of harvest: here in upstate NY apples abound, and tomatoes, and corn. Soon pumpkins will be ripe. The leaves have barely begun to change but today is cool. I have a lot to do, but then it’s all self-imposed. No one cares. Maybe I finally can stop caring what anyone thinks. I thought I did already, but the sudden absence of attention — even if a lot of it was unwelcome and tedious — threw me off balance a little.

So I’m doubling down on being a weirdo, ignoring other people who don’t dance or laugh enough, and pursuing whatever interests me. I do with less materially (okay, except for books — you want some medieval books?) but I am ever abundant in my mind and heart. It feels more balanced.