How to Fold An Aardvark

Few problems disrupt modern life more than what to do with your aardvark when you are short of space. Folding your aardvark will not only help you master a valuable skill but also create more room for your pencils, ottomans and toadstools.

  1. Grasp your aardvark by the collar. If it does not have a collar, see if it has a cravat.
  2.  Locate the central area of the beast by poking it gently in the nether regions.
  3. Draw a dotted line to give yourself a visual reference for the folding motion.
  4. Warm up your arm for the folding action by hoisting a few glasses of gin, but not more than three.
  5. Gently take hold of the opposite end of the aardvark.
  6. Fold the opposite end toward the collar/cravat end.
  7. Repeat as needed and then file the folded aardvark under the appropriate letter or in some out of the way crevice.

TIP: Beware: they are often ticklish about the neck.

WARNING: Do not submerge the aardvark.

14 thoughts on “How to Fold An Aardvark

  1. Folding your aardvark will not only help you master a valuable skill but also create more room for your pencils, ottomans and toadstools.

    My own solution to this problem is to have my aardvark double as an ottoman. This generally works very well except during mating season.

  2. A great instructional post, and one I am sure will solve a number of issues within the aardvark owning community. I myself , however, have a pair of Giant Anteaters which are giving me similar issues. My question is therefore, will this technique work with my aforementioned Giant Anteaters, or is another method required?
    Of course, it stands to reason that armadillos are much easier to store – all that is required is a suitable box, and they can be rolled up and placed in the box, which will then fit under the bed for convenience.
    But, I digress here . If you can assist me with my Giant Anteater issue, I would be forever in your debt.
    I remain your most humble servant
    Andy J Millen Esq
    Enc

    • Dear sir, my humblest apologies for the untoward delay in response but I was wrestling with a recalcitrant bevvy of ocelots. Anteaters must be pressed before folding. If you lack an anteater press you can always bundle them with the armadillo pack. Yrs, etc…

      • My dearest Ms Laity
        Thank you most kindly for your timely response. You will be pleased to here that following your instructions, I obtained an amteater press from Mssrs Holland and Hill, purveyors of exotic fauna accessories since 1741.
        It has proved most useful, and my Giant Anteaters are now safely folded and filed appropriately.
        I have given some degree of thought to your ralicantrant Ocelot conundrum, and I believe the answer is also contained within the pages of Mssrs Holland and Hill’s latest catalogue; a copy of which is sent with this missive. They define a product known as an Ocelot recipricator; which by means of a mechanism or contrivance creates a net like funnel which gently guides the ocelots towards your chosen destination.
        Again, my most sincere regards
        Andrew J Millen Esq
        Enc

        • Clearly Holland & Hill are men of rare insight. A reciprocator seems ideal and I am selling off my collection of bat wedges in order to procure one for myself. All future happiness is assured now, I am certain. Yours in ecstatic politeness, Dr K. //encl moustaches

    • My dearest Dr K
      Many thanks for the enclosed moustaches. They are proving most popular among the Walruses (or should that be Walri – those creatures are very ambiguous about pluralisation) .
      With regards to the bat wedges, I hope you have little trouble with the sale, I would take them on myself , however I remain unconvinced about their usefullness – the guano seems to be the issue. I am in fact done with bats for that very reason, and am trying to sell of my collection of dwarf pipistrelles.
      Anyway , as the point of this missive was to thank for on behalf of my walri (Walruses?) I remain your most erudite servant.
      Prof A. MSG, bar and grill.

      • My dear Professor A. MSG,
        I am delighted the moustaches are proving popular, but I do hope they were waxed! I paid a premium for the waxing.
        Bat wedges are always tricky. The guano if properly steamed and glutenised can have all manner of practical applications, though Walrussess may disdain to stoop to such measures. Ask a friendly hedgehog and you will be lucky to escape a full hour’s dissertation on the delights ensanguinated, steamed and glutenised guano can provide. But hedgehogs, as we know, are easy to entertain.
        Yrs, etc.
        Dr. KAL

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