They weren’t just expendable:
they never should have been there in the first place!
“It’s like The Expendables but with broads, magic, werewolves and machine guns!” says our PR team.
When a heroic young woman speaks truth to power, she winds up in a secret prison behind the Oz curtain, where no government agency can find her — even on Google maps. It would take high-level magical skills, mad martial arts and a reckless disregard for personal safety to go in and rescue her. This sounds like a job for —
A crack team of independent operators, they only come together for special projects like this, abandoning their seemingly ordinary lives for just one chance to do right in the world — and maybe kick a few deserving keisters into the bargain.
JAY ‘SPACE COWGIRL’: The only thing deadlier than her wit is her .357 Magnum!
CHLOË ‘THE REV’: If her profanity doesn’t deafen you, her elbows will surely take you down!
ADELE ‘THE CAP’N’: She’s the muse who kicks you in the face — then body slams you into next week!
STEPHANIE ‘THE QUEEN’: Can kill a stoat at fifty paces just with her sarcasm – don’t make her get out the laser vision!
BYRON ‘THE HOODOO HAINT’: Her magic has moved mountains. Literally. Step aside!
‘GUTTER’ JANE: A moll who cracks bones instead of her gum!
KATE ‘THE PROF’: Makes jokes so circuitous you’ll be home in bed before you explode with laughter! And er, she might be a werewolf (the jury’s out on that)!
— and an expanding cast of colourful characters!
Rumoured to be starring:
TOM HIDDLESTON as the charming guy who shows up just when the gang is out of hope, makes them chocolate martinis, tells an inspiring tale of an adopted dog, sighs wistfully and then disappears with a gentle chuckle.
JASON STATHAM as Terry Leather, the reluctant martial arts expert who allows himself to be reluctantly drawn into the fray just long enough to provide a crucial bit of information before giving a cheeky wink as he reluctantly speeds away.
–with ROBERT SHEEHAN as the cowgirl’s young steed!
–and ERIC BALFOUR stars as pretty, muscle-bound, floozy boy!
[AKA what happens when a joke takes off on social media ;-)]